Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Randomize
