I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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