I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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