i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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