how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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