she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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