Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
