chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
