Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
