I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
This is the high leading the old right now
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
