Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
