Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
