i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
