Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
All I want is dick and wine.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
