worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
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