can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
