I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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