so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize