Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
