Don't make out with my wife yet
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize