Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I'm passing your future prison.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize