I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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