I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
