every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
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