Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Come on in and take your pants off
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