wrigley field is MILF paradise
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
