I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
