He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize