So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
