Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
