I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
