if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
