my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
