I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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