Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
