happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
