my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
