I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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