Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I think I died a long time ago.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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