I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
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