We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
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