so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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