I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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