I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Randomize
