oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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