Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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