Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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