Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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