Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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