So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
