i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
We got so high we made milksteak
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
