More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
