I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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