Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
