I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
