Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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