hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
