Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
