I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
He kissed a someone with a penis
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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