these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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