after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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