My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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