I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
