does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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