You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
