I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
