shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Randomize
